The diary of a real girl living in New York as she and her friends search for the “one”! (Names have been changed to respect privacy)
Well, it happened again. Another bad date bites the dust. UGH.
Dating in this city is impossible! Look, (I don’t want to brag-BUT) I think I’m what most people would call “attractive”. I’m in my early 30’s. I’m a size 2, good height, nice sense of humor….Ok, now I sound like I’m bragging. I’m not. Really! It’s just you HAVE to have a little self-confidence to survive in the dating pool these days or you’d never leave the house. I’ve tried it all: online dating sites, apps, set ups from friends, weird mixers, and it’s always the same result. I meet a cute guy, we go on a couple of dates, and something goes wrong. He has bad breath, or no job, or is way too into online gaming. It’s not me, I swear!
Yeah, yeah. Maybe I’m too picky. But, luckily for me (no matter how hard it is!), I have a fabulous group of girlfriends to cheer me through the hunt for Mister Right.
There’s Katie, the practical one. She’s a lawyer in a big corporate law firm. Then there’s Jenn. Jenn is the artsy one in the group. She’s a writer for a hot, fashion blog. And finally there’s, Mara. Mara is getting her PHD in Molecular and Cellular Physiology. So she’s the smart one, and she’s also the first one I call after a bad date, like last night for instance.
I had just finished up with Mike (this cute guy I met in a bar on 47th street last week). He was charming, hilarious, and had a great job in finance. How could I NOT have been ridiculously excited about our date? Though (of course!), it didn’t go as I planned. Afterwards, I picked up the phone to call Mara, and grinned when she picked up after only one ring. She’s always even more excited for my dates than I am.
“Ok tell me everything!” She demanded squealing.
“Well, it didn’t go well,” I said glumly.
“Oh my god! You have the worst luck, Ellie. What happened? Tell me everything,” she said.
“I killed him,” I said.
“UGH, El, not again,” she said. “This always happens to you. Where is he now?”
“Where do you think? The bathtub. I didn’t know where else to put him, he was bleeding everywhere.” I could practically hear Mara pursing her lips in disappointment.
“Well, maybe this will teach you not to go out on dates with guys you meet at bars. They’re never “the one”. I told you it wouldn’t work out,” she said.
“Yeah, I know. You’re right, as always. He just seemed so great at first! It’s so discouraging. Maybe there is no “one” for me, Mara. Maybe I’m destined to just be alone forever,” I said. Sure I was being a little dramatic, but don’t you just have those days where it seems like there are millions of guys out there but none for you? Like you don’t even deserve a little slice of happiness like everyone? Mara was having none of it though.
“Stop that! You’re fabulous, and any guy who doesn’t see that is an idiot,” she said. “And is probably buried in those creepy woods by Highway 5,” she joked. I laughed half-heartedly. “Look, you win some, you lose some. And you are most certainly not going to sit in your apartment, and sulk all night because of one dead date. I’m calling the girls, and we’re coming over! Froyo sound good?”
“Half Green tea, half vanilla” I said feeling a little better already. “With boba and mango.”
“Reese’s on the vanilla side?”
“Obviously,” I said with a laugh.
Mara hung up the phone, and I took a deep breath. I was going to be fine.
Then I grabbed the sharp, kitchen scissors, and headed to the bathroom. I wanted to grab a quick swatch of hair for the diary entry before the girls got here. Though it clearly wasn’t my night. It was almost impossible to find a nice sample that wasn’t all sticky with blood. That’ll teach me to move the body without getting a cutting first!
“Man, he had nice hair,” I thought sadly as I picked through. “If only we could have had kids together, they would have been gorgeous!” Ugh-there I go again thinking too far ahead of myself. I know it scares guys off but I just can’t help it. I’m a planner!
I finally spotted a perfect, chestnut patch on the left side of his head. A quick snip and I was out. I tiptoed back towards the door, careful not to step on the blood that was smeared on the tiles from where I dragged him earlier. If I tracked that onto the rug, I’d never get it out!
I poured myself a glass of Sauv Blanc, and sank down onto the sofa. I’d earned it. I threw on an episode of “The Kardashians” from my DVR (it’s trashy but I love it!), and about 20 minutes later, my girls arrived.
They were dressed to the nines in cute dresses and heels. Of course, I was immediately jealous of Katie’s new purple Prada. I could never afford it on my salary! I felt pretty schlumpy in my pink rolled up sweatpants, sorority philanthropy t-shirt, and flip flops. But if you can’t be comfortable and yourself around your girlfriends, then who can you be with?
Mara pulled out four martini glasses and began mixing drinks while Jenn enveloped me in a hug. I could feel her newest manicure press gently into my back.
“WHAT are you wearing? Sweetheart those are moping clothes, and there will be no moping tonight,” she said with authority.
“I don’t have anything to wear so I just threw these on,” I said defensively.
“Why don’t you put on that cute blazer we got at Saks?” Katie interjected while turning off the TV.
“Well, what do you think I wore on my date?” I said.
“Oh Nooooo,” Jenn moaned. “You got blood on it? But it was so adorable!” I noded miserably, and didn’t even mention the greasy spot I got on it which must have been intestinal leakage or something.
“Well, why didn’t you say so in the first place!” Katie laughed, and waved her hand. “You didn’t try to soak it first, did you? It’s silk,” she said sternly. I shook my head. “Well then it’s no problem. I have this mixture I make out of vinegar, detergent, and salt. I swear it’d get blood out of anything. Where is it?”
I gestured to my bedroom, and she headed in to tackle it. Mara handed around neon pink martinis with olives poking out.
“This is exactly what you need,” she said, “Katie get back in here!” Katie reappeared and held up her martini in a toast.
“Alright. Here’s to the men who love us, the losers who lost us, and the lucky bastards who are still alive to meet us! To Ellie!” She threw her martini up in the air and it splashed over the side “Dammit!” She licked the liquid off the edge.
“To Ellie!” The other girls cheered while being a little more careful not to spill. I took a sip and instantly was transported to a beach somewhere in the Caribbean. Mara had made this berry mixture that’s both sweet and tangy at the same time. This is why I’m glad she’s in science!
“Ok,” Katie said. “So now you have to tell us what happened. What was wrong with him this time?? Was he a jerk? Married? A mama’s boy?”
“Oh god,” Jenn laughed. “Speaking of that, remember that guy I was dating, the accountant?”
“The one with the enormous…?” Mara made an obscene gesture and we giggled like school girls (and not the 30 year old professional women we are).
“That’s the one!” Jenn said snorting. “Well, he made me meet his mother two weeks ago. I mean it was a total ambush.”
“You guys had been dating, what? A month?” Katie asked. “Way too soon for the mother intro.”
“I know! And guys, she was terrible. Criticized everything I did. She even accused me of dating him for his money.” She rolled her eyes. “And you know he doesn’t even make that much, I was doing HIM the favor by not caring that he’s practically middle class.” She leaned in. “She actually said my skirt made me look like a hussy.”
“A hussy?? What is she from 1968?”
“Right? And he didn’t even stand up for me! Afterwards, I confronted him about it, and he totally defended her. Said he could never be with anyone who didn’t love his mother as much as he did.”
“Gross,” Mara said shaking her head. “What did you do?”
“Well, I didn’t talk to him for like a week, but then I invited him over for a really special dinner to apologize,” Jenn said.
“You apologized?” Katie yelled. She’s really into feminism. “Honestly, Jenn, are you really so desperate for a guy? You’re better than that.” She shook her head, and her blonde hair shined as it bounced on her shoulders. I have got to remember to ask her who her stylist is. Guys love a cute blonde. “I feel like I don’t know you at all.”
“Well you haven’t heard the whole story!” Jenn protested. “I served him a really special apology dinner.” She paused for dramatic effect. “His mother’s tongue was the appetizer, and the rest of her was in the soup!”
We laughed. Jenn is crazy creative. I’d be jealous but that’s woman on woman crime. You have to support and love eachother no matter what, so I’m just really proud and in awe.
“He said the meal was the best thing he’d eaten in ages, and he couldn’t even remember why were mad at each other in the first place. We had this incredible makeup sex that night. AND his mother sure isn’t going to be bothering us anymore.” She gave us a coy smile. “As I always say in my column, if you give up, you didn’t give it your all.”
“Now that’s my girl!” Katie said and pulled out a new fiery, crimson polish. “Who wants me to paint their toenails?!”
“Me!” Mara said and slid onto the floor in front of her. “We haven’t heard about Ellie’s date, yet. No more stalling girl!”
“Ok,” I said. “But it really isn’t that crazy. I thought the date went really well. He took me to Alfredo’s, and bought a really expensive bottle of wine for us.”
“Ooooo I love Alfredo’s, perfect first date pick.” Katie said through her concentrated painting. “Nice work… What was his name again?”
“Mike” I said tossing her his driver’s license off the couch.
“Mike. Hmmm, a little generic, but he’s cute! I mean who takes an attractive driver’s license picture?”
“I know! Thanks, and…” I said dropping my voice a little. “If you think his face was cute, you should see his butt!” The girls squealed, and I waited until they quieted down. “Anyway, the date was good. We talked about our jobs, our families, made little jokes. In the cab we totally made out.”
“You slut!” Jenn said, and I threw a pillow at her, laughing.
“Things were going well. At least I thought they were. So I invited him up, and we’re kissing in my bed. But then he gets this text. And he totally like stops kissing me to look at it.”
“Right? And the worst part is that then he got all weird and said he had to go, that he had to get up early in the morning.”
“Oh my god, he totally had another woman!”
“That’s what I thought! I was so embarrassed that I had been fooled AGAIN, you know? So I stuck the fishing knife I keep under my pillow into his jugular and tore out his vocal cords.” I pinched my thigh so that my eyes would well up a little, because it would seem cold not to cry at this point in the story.
“Well, that’s understandable.” Mara said squeezing on the couch next to me. “He sounds like a total cheating bastard.” She put her arm around me.
“Except…” I said a little embarrassed. “I looked at his phone afterwards, and the text was from a guy named “Tommy”. He was just reminding him of a presentation he had tomorrow.” I sighed. “Am I really that woman now? The jealous shrew who peeks at her boyfriend’s texts and emails?? I’m so embarrassed.” I put my head in my hands.
“Hey” Mara said gently “Don’t be so hard on yourself. We’ve all been there.”
“Yeah,” Katie agreed. “When I was dating Jim, I used to read his texts! And hack into his email, and have him followed, and hide in the crawl space above his bedroom to watch him all night through a hole I cut out in the ceiling. It’s just something we women do.”
“Whatever happened to Jim anyway?” Mara asked.
“Poison,” Katie said.
“Well,” Jenn announced. “I love chatting just us but if we want to make it out before midnight, we better dispose of the body. The police will probably start looking for him tomorrow.”
“How??” I said. “I ran out of my last duffle bag weeks ago!”
“Brought an extra,” Katie said, always prepared for anything.
“And I have a barrel of acid in the trunk of my car so he’ll dissolve before we dump him in the river!” Mara said smiling.
“And I brought a chainsaw so we can get him into little pieces,” Jenn chimed in pulling it out of her adorable oversized Hermes Birkin bag.
“Wait,” I said, “We can’t use a chainsaw. My neighbor in apartment B is probably already asleep, and you know how nosy she is!”
“Well, it’s a good thing I brought a meat cleaver too then!” Jenn announced triumphantly. “Now get me to those bones!”
“You guys are the best,” I said tearing up a little for real. “I don’t even know how..”
“Oh stop.” Katie said briskly. “You can make it up to us by buying the first round of drinks at Sushi La Bomba. Which we will never get to if we don’t get to work!”
Soon I was dressed in a sparkly mini skirt paired with my now spotless blazer (Katie is a miracle worker), and we were under the overpass by the river, emptying the contents of the duffle bag into the vat of acid. My terrible date (formerly known as Mike) sizzled as the skin melted off his disembodied limbs.
“Well, at least you can’t say he wasn’t HOT stuff!” Jenn said as she threw his head into the mixture, and his eyeballs burned away.
“Oh you are so bad.” I said, but it made me laugh.
Katie was trying to pull her heels out of the mud with one hand while balancing her martini glass precariously in the other.
“I told you not to wear your Manolo’s to the river,” Mara scolded.
“Oh and you ALWAYS have to be right about EVERYTHING,” Katie snapped.
“Ladies,” I said. “Stop it. No fighting. Tonight is supposed to be fun…We can’t go dancing, if we’re all pissy at each other!”
“Sorry,” Katie said quickly, nodding. “You know how upset I get over a ruined pair of shoes.”
“Who doesn’t?” Mara said. “I’m sorry too. Those were a beautiful pair. May they rest in peace.” Katie smiled and squeezed Mara’s hand while I wiped down all the surfaces of Mara’s car for DNA evidence.
“Okay!” Jenn said. “The bone is pretty much all liquid now, I think we’re good!”
“Yay!” We cheered. Then we nailed the lid to the barrel back on (but not before I used Katie’s ruined heel to smash his phone, and slide it in too).
“Well, THERE goes another guy who is going to hook up with me and then never call again!” I said as his phone sizzled in the acid which made everyone chuckle. We rolled the barrel into the river and watched it sink beneath the surface.
I put my head on Mara’s shoulder. She slipped her arm through Jenn’s. Jenn put her hand on Katie’s back. We stood there for a few moments longer than necessary, the moon shining above us, and watched the bubbles ripple and fade into the river as we have so many times before.
It was Katie who broke the line first, and began trotting back towards the car before I could get too sappy.
“Margaritas are calling my na-ame,” she yelled. “Last one to the car buys tequila shots!”
We turned, laughing, and ran after her. Men may come and go, but at least I have the best girlfriends ever.
We reached the car, and I was last. Tequila shots on me. I didn’t mind. I couldn’t wait for a night just out with my girls. We have a blast, just us. Though, in that moment, I couldn’t help but wonder which one of us would meet our next guy that night.
Because the thing is, one of us always does.