Here you go ladies, your weekly predictions for men and love!
And with Jupiter circling Venus in the seventh house of Pluto’s moon this week, boy, are some of them HOT. Enjoy:
Capricorn: Jan. 20-Feb. 16
Flirting Becomes More!
A cute guy that you’ve seen around before (but have never talked to!) will finally make the first move by calling you a “dumb whore” when you look straight ahead without smiling after he whistles. Careful not to react or he’ll follow you for several blocks screaming obscenities. Make sure to take time to treat yourself by popping into a coffee shop to get to know him better, or he’ll move on to other women. If you miss out, you’ll be left, “a cold ass, fugly ho” just like he said! And no woman wants that!
Aquarius: Feb. 16-March 11
Forbidden Affair Alert!
Workplace romance will be in the air as your boss will make inappropriate advances this week by commenting on “how good you look in that tight dress”, and then will ask you out for drinks after work where he’ll be just a little too touchy. Better go to drinks (and pretend to enjoy it!) or you’ll be passed over for that promotion you’ve worked so hard for! And whatever you do, don’t let him drive you home!
Pisces: March 11-April 18
Friends With Benefits!
Someone you thought was “just a friend” will make a move this week. You’ll see him in a new light after he holds you down on the couch, and sticks his hand under your bra even though you repeatedly told him you don’t think of him that way! Just close your eyes, and it’ll be over soon. Just remember, you were both so drunk, and he didn’t mean to let things get so out of hand but you really were pushing for it! Be polite or parties with mutual friends are going to be so awkward for the both of you!
Aries: April 18-May 13
A One Night Stand with a Dark Handsome Stranger!
You’ll never even see his face but that makes it even hotter! You shouldn’t have been so distracted this week with those headphones. Also, you probably shouldn’t have worn that sexy, stained sweatshirt with those yoga pants and very old sneakers but hindsight is 20/20 even in predictions! Try to get out of your comfort zone this week, and keep your mouth shut. This is your fault and the police will never find him!
Taurus: May 13-June 21
You’ll be the belle of the ball this week as the invitations simply will not stop flowing in for social events. But when you put your drink down (because you know all these folks), don’t be surprised if you lose several hours, wake up half dressed on a frat house couch, and don’t know why you’re bleeding. You’re mistaken. You must have had more than one drink if you blacked out, and everyone has seen how hard YOU party. Don’t let it worry you too much this week though. It was probably something fun, you’re such a fun girl.
Gemini: June 21-July 20.
With the moon under Manhattan, you’ll find your special someone in bed with another woman this week. But it won’t be all doom in gloom cause you’ll find out you’re pregnant afterwards! Don’t want to carry the pregnancy to term? Good luck finding an abortion provider. You live in Oklahoma! So remember to be careful trying to take care of things yourself as Mercury is in retrograde which means you’ll be a little irrational, and also that you’re going to hemorrhage and bleed out! But don’t worry, you sure are popular this week. Your funeral will be absolutely filled to the brim with Westboro baptists protesting that you’re burning in Hell for all eternity!
Cancer: July 20-Aug. 10.
He’ll In Your Heart!
This is your week as men won’t be able to HELP but notice how beautiful you look. Keep a special eye out for a fling to get under your skin because this week, you’ll meet a cute guy at a bar who will ask for your number! You may not be sure if you should give him a chance, but be careful of saying no and hurting his feelings! If you do, he’ll follow you outside, pull out a knife, and he’ll stab you repeatedly in the heart. You deserved it because you were so mean!
Leo: Aug. 10-Sept. 16.
Trying New Things!
A current flame might surprise you by spicing it up a little when he punches in the face this week. Of course, you did respond to a Facebook message from an ex who was seeing, “how you’re doing” so what did you expect, you slut? Of course, your guy has never done this before so it may make you a little heated! But with Mars passing Venus in the turn lane, try not to get too overdramatic right away! You might feel differently once he apologizes with flowers. Plus you have kids together, you want to leave them without a father?
Virgo: Sept. 16-Oct. 30.
Hope you’re ready to get a little frisky! With Venus thrusting in Uranus this week, no man will be able to resist your body! When you accept that date with a cute football player, get ready for things to get naughty. The whole football team naughty! Where are you going to run to? The parking lot is empty. Don’t you like him and his friends? Didn’t you enjoy the dinner he paid for? You certainly put on a low cut top for the date. You knew what this was. Just have fun. This is fun.
Libra: Oct. 30-Nov. 23.
No guys for you this week! You need a breather after your last date choked you in his car for not putting out, cutting off your oxygen for almost two minutes! So call up some girlfriends and go dancing. You don’t need a man! I mean you do need one to be happy....or whole....and also financially stable but...well....maybe you shouldn’t have called the police on that last date. You’re going to die alone.
Scorpio: Nov. 23-29.
This is a bad week to choose to live in a refugee camp! Try to make the best of it by getting a hobby, trading silly stories with other survivors, and coming up with a rich, fantasy world in your head that you can drift up to, out of your body, when the horrible things happen that are more than any human being should ever possibly have to endure. And hey-one of the guards has a crush on you! That’s going to be fun next week!
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29-Dec. 17.
This is a brand new sign! If you’ve been moved to it, it’s because you’re a slut!
Sagittarius: Dec. 17-Jan. 20.
Take a Trip!
You’ll meet a cute guy on vacation this week! But, unfortunately, you’ll blow it by being so standoffish. Why are you so afraid all the time of men? Most men are good guys. This sexy guy on the beach is a really good guy and really rich and handsome and if you join him in his room for a drink, he’ll be a perfect gentleman and you’ll have great time. He’s your soulmate. But you say no because you’re AFRAID? Of what?? He’s just another guy who happens to be staying at the same hotel. God, you’re really going to blow it. You never take any chances, and that’s why you’ll be alone forever. You can’t even smile back when a nice guy pays attention to you? What are you afraid of? This one is a great guy! What do you mean you aren’t sure? Well, have it your way. I bet he won’t care, you’re kind of a cold ass fugly ho anyway.