Every Time I Get an Exciting New Job, It Turns Out That Al Pacino is "Devil's Advocating" Me.

Statistically, one of these employees is almost certainly a camouflaged Al Pacino.

It’s no secret that (in today’s market) getting a decent job as a millennial is incredibly challenging. I’ve struggled with it myself! And it certainly doesn’t make it any easier that most of us are drowning in student debt, the cost of living is skyrocketing, and also that the Prince of Darkness is constantly trying to trick us into working for him.

That’s right. Even when you finally get hired at a great company-you shouldn’t celebrate too quickly. You never know when you might be “golfing with the new boss” only to have him morph into Satan, and demand you provide him with the Anti-Christ. It’s the worst!

Advertisement
A typical challenge in today’s market: Al Pacino will ask you to sire grandchildren that are birthed as fully grown men. They are not potty trained. Al Pacino finds that “sweet”.

Like my last job! Things started off great. There were tons of cool perks like dental insurance, and my own apartment, and hordes of statues that seemed to come alive every time I looked away. A dream come true! But if I’ve learned anything from my post-college job hunt, it’s that if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. At any point, your new company could file for bankruptcy or have massive layoffs or turn out to be a shell corporation for The Devil. And believe me, you’ve never understood “awkward” until you’ve had Al Pacino manifest himself into your mind to say, “I’m your real dad, and you’ll be fired if you don’t have sex with your sister.” It’s like UGH. Not again. How many times have all of us pounded our fists into the ground, shrieking, “You tricked me again, Al Pacino!”?

I said no to Day Drinking because of this job opportunity, Al Pacino! Goddammit! No. Don’t smile. I didn’t mean it that way. You know what I meant, Al Pacino. UGH. I’m invoicing overtime hours for this.

I don’t mean to be one of “those” millennials, whining that things are so much harder for us than past generations. But at the very least, it would be nice if they acknowledged how tough it is. Instead every older person complains that millennials are lazy and entitled! They just don’t get the intricacies of the job market these days. “I don’t understand,” baby boomers are always saying. “What do you mean at every job you’ve ever had, your boss turned out to be a shape-shifting Al Pacino? How is that even possible?” Look, I get that it’s confusing but I don’t have any easy answers. I’m not a financial market trends or religious studies expert or “certified exorcist”. I don’t know if Al Pacino the actor is the actual devil or if Al Pacino is just the corporeal form that Satan takes. We may never know. All I do know is that Al Pacino pursues me at every turn. Then he begs me to spawn a monstrous creature who will plunge the world into a nightmarish Hellscape for all eternity.

Advertisement

And honestly, I don’t know of one person I went to college with who hasn’t had the same experience.

Al Pacino calls this “Tuesday”.
Advertisement

So I’m discouraged! In what other generation would you have a business degree, and still have to live in your mother’s basement? That certainly wasn’t a problem 50 years ago. Do I enjoy being 27 and constantly having to listen to my mother’s embarrassing and long-winded stories about the days when she was young and beautiful and The Dark Angel-Beezlebub-King of the Wicked raped her in order to conceive an heir? Of course not. But it’s the only place I can afford at the moment. Lots of friends I know have to live in their parents’ houses too! And also to continually turn down their beautiful half-sister’s naked glistening form as she tries to seduce them into giving her their seed. It’s just the kind of thing we deal with as young members of the work force.

I GOT it, mom. Al Pacino seduced you 25 years ago and is the exact same age for whatever reason. I’m TRYING to watch Game of Thrones. You’re being the WORST. And by the way, Mark’s mom buys him pot....but thanks for the oatmeal. Reallllly cool of you.
Advertisement

So the next time you complain that millennials are lazy or lacking in maturity-just remember that we are facing challenges in the job market that you couldn’t have even imagined at our age. Imagine applying for job after job only to be told that you are too experienced or not experienced enough or that “The other day a woman on the bus turned into a demon and warned me that if I hired you my family would die.” It’s just par for the course for us, and it would be nice if you all could be a little more supportive.

Share This Story

Get our newsletter