Superbowl Sunday!

Illustration for article titled Superbowl Sunday!

Today is the super bowl! You may be asking, “What IS the super bowl and how can I buy tickets? I have a series of lucky numbers foretold to me by my dead ancestors from when I was in that car crash coma that will win me many millions!”


Oops! You’re thinking of the “Power Ball”. But that’s an easy mistake. The Super Bowl is a traditional game in America in which a group of large men try to knock each in the head so they can go into the coma that will lead them to their ancestors whispering the sacred power ball numbers. Do you have more questions?

“Then what is the puppy bowl?”

Ah, that is the sacrifice the ancestors demand. It is a subject that I would prefer not to talk on. We do what we must.


“Do the puppies suffer?”

More than any creature ever has in the history of our Earth.

“Can women play the coma inducing game?”

Women can do anything but have abortions.

“What kinds of food should be consumed in celebration of this day?”

Pigs in a blanket is the only acceptable food and also, profession, for the Irish.


“How did you know I’m Irish?”

One day long ago, I hit myself in the head with a hammer and my ancestors told me of this day to come. Of the one I would meet and the questions I must answer. They told me that during this day, in this very year, a series of events in New Hampshire would be put into motion that would lead to the catastrophic destruction of the country once called the United States. They told me of the cities burning, and of the packs of cannibalistic children roaming the streets. They whispered of the toxic fumes that would scramble the brains of the innocent and the shrieks of all those we love echoing in the desert air. They told me of the creature that will rise from the ashes of our civilization to hunt down the damned and drag them to Hell. Of the Angels falling from heaven to die among us. They told me that this day can be changed if only the one that asks the questions will hurry to New Hampshire. That only he can turn around these events and lead us to a great utopia of pure love. That you, dear asker, can be warned and if you listen....If you drop all of your super bowl activities now.....then all of humanity can be saved. There will be no war, no pain, no death. We will all live in harmony forever. They told me this moment you will choose and your choice will either save or damn all humanity forever.


“Cool! I’m going to see if the grocery store is open to buy those little hot dogs! That sounds delicious!”

Okay. Just....make sure to buy the brand name biscuits to wrap them in. The store brand can be too flaky.


Honestly, the type of biscuits I buy is kind of none of your business.

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