The Miracle Diet (That Really Works!)

If you’re like me, you’ve probably tried just about a thousand ways to lose weight! Gyms, Low carb, NO carb, cross fit, The Star of David Fit, the forbidden image of Muhammad fit, the soup diet, the poop diet, the Lauren Hill shoop diet, juicing, OJ Simpsoning, and killing babies to wear their blood upon your skin (are just a few I’VE attempted)! It makes a girl want to give up entirely, and just accept that no one will ever love me.

Luckily, Doctor Phil *** wouldn’t let me give up! “All a woman has is her looks!” He mumbled while eating a spicy chicken sandwich with a side of curly fries. “You give up on the losing weight, you give up on being successful, finding a man, or ever being happy!” He continued, “The government planned 9/11 and I know that because the chip they implanted in my brain is sending me all of Hillary’s emails.”


Boy, did that really hit home.

For too long I accepted that I was never going to get a good job because I didn’t have the “size two” credentials! What good does a degree from Yale, a post-grad at Oxford, and a Harvard law degree DO for you if your legs look like lumps of lard in a bikini?! (Said every interviewer to me ever!).


So, inspired by Doctor Phil’s words, I asked him if there was a miracle drug out there that could work for me. He seemed reluctant to share, but I begged him to give me his wisdom.

“Komoutazilay,” he slurred while taking a swig of his Mountain Dew and Skol brand vodka mixture that he insisted I buy him.


“What’s that?” I replied eagerly.

“Sometimes the devil visits me at night and I told you bitches to stop stealing my kidneys!” he said. “When the sun is too hot, my underwear becomes a sail and I fly away,” he finished with a sage-like burp, and knowing smile. Then he reached into his pocket and handed me a mixture of pills, dirt, and loose change. “Hoopsa logasay,” he said before vomiting onto a cop car, and being arrested.


People will always try to silence real visionaries.

As they loaded him into the back of the car and drove off, I swallowed the strange mixture. Then I watched the lights of the sirens blur into the horizon, and waited.


The results of Komoutazilay started almost immediately. Pounds were dripping off of me like hot butter. My clothes were getting looser, my bowels evacuating...I was screaming because my skin and hair were on fire. With wonder and terror, I could feel years of pain, loneliness, and fat melt away. I was becoming the best version of myself.

It worked for me.

Illustration for article titled The Miracle Diet (That Really Works!)

So now with my transformation complete, it’s your turn! For a measly $79.99 per month for 79 months, you too can have the body (and life!) of your dreams!


But what’s IN Komoutazilay?

Great question! The main ingredients of Komoutazilay are a mixture of ecstasy, aspirin, children’s vitamins, dirt from outside a sketchy laundromat, and melted down pennies. But of course there’s a special ingredient we can’t share!


How much weight will I lose on Komoutazilay?

All of it.

Will I become immortal on Komoutazilay?

Definitely. You will wander this Earth until the universe collapses back into itself and you return to the spec of a dust particle that started the Big Bang! But even then you’ll still be screaming.


What does the screaming sound like?

The tortured cry of eternity but with all the light and beauty drained from it. It’s a little like a trombone.


Who is Doctor Phil, really?

Don’t ask me that again. NEVER ASK THAT AGAIN.

Is the secret ingredient Molten Lava taken straight from a chamber in Hell and cursed by the devil himself?


I’ll never tell! (Wink)

So is it worth it? Is being thin really worth all that?


Sorry, that was a stupid question.

It’s okay. You’re still learning.

Okay, so I’m a student. Are any discounts or coupons available?

Unfortunately, not at this time.

I think the results speak for themselves!! Look at me now. Get the new you for a new year all for the low price of $79.99 for 79 months! What are you waiting for?

Illustration for article titled The Miracle Diet (That Really Works!)

^^^ look at me now that all my dreams have come true!

***Legally, I must say that “Doctor Phil” is a different person than celebrity and popular show host, “Dr. Phil”. “Doctor Phil” is just a fun guy we found muttering in a Wendy’s bathroom whose first name we had legally changed to “Doctor”. “Dr. Phil” is a celebrity doctor who gives viewers medical advice and is in no way related to our “doctor” except for the small detail that neither of them are actually doctors in the way you’re thinking of. But nobody’s perfect, am I right? May he who has not pretended to be a doctor and then given hundreds of thousands of people medication information/advice cast the first stone! (Okay, okay, please stop throwing things. What are you? Animals?)***

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